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Enjoy a joke at someone else's expense!


It has been said that rugby is a thug's game played by gentlemen, soccer is a gentleman's game played by thugs and Gaelic games are thug's games played by thugs. Irish national sports, Hurling and Gaelic Football are fairly full-bodied in nature, and the accompanying language can be equally robust.

Bollix - (pronounced Bollicks) We all know of few of these

Bull thick - very angry - e.g. "the centre half back was bull thick when I lamped him again"

Bullin` - angry - e.g. "the centre half back was bullin` after I lamped him"

Burst the Bollix - Instruction to tackle your player

Bushted - an undefined soreness e.g. "Jayz me arm is bushted"

Comm-a-teeee - Local GAA bullshitters in general

Crowd - A gathering of people that watch a match and hope for random acts of violence e.g. "that crowd from XXX are a right shower of shites"(pronounced shyts)

Hames - a mistake - e.g. "he made a hames of that clearance"

Hang sangwidge - consumed with tea on the sides of roads after matches in Buffalo or Stracuse, usually contains half a pound of butter.

Hatchet Man - Mountainy type, uses hunter/gatherer instincts.

Holly - eg "I gave it holly" - I put a fair bit of effort into it

Joult - a push - e.g. "I gave him a joult and he has to wear a neck brace

Lamp - a good thump - e.g. "I swung for the sliotar, missed by 3 feet andlamped their fullback"

Leh-it-in-ta-feck-would-ya - Full forward`s appeal to a midfielder for a more timely delivery of the pass

Massive Row - Disagreement involving both teams, including goalies, substitutes and supporters jumping fences

Mighty - very good (Culchees mostly say this one)

Mullocker - untidy or awkward player released for matches

Namajaysus - What was that for, referee? (You may devine intervention)

Rake - A great amount of anything, usually pints of Guinness the night before an important match

Row (pronounced rroow) - Disagreement involving four or more players

Running Row - A massive row that continues out in the parking area and or dressing room areas usually resolved by the cops.

Schkelp - To remove living tissue in the absence of surgical procedures e.g. "That shite from Tipp took a schkelp out of my leg"

The Bomber - a very popular nickname for a fat, hairy GAA player

Timber - intimidation of a hurling opponent - e.g. "show him some timber"!

Ya-bollix-ya - Corner back`s formal recognition of a score by his opponent

A rare moment of honesty!


Q. What's the difference between the English and a jet engine?
A. A jet engine eventually stops whining.
Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead English soccer fan on the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q. What do English soccer fans and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q. If you see an English soccer fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A. It could be your bicycle.
Q. What do you have when 100 English soccer fans are buried up to their necks in sand?
A. Not enough sand.

Loyal GAA Supporter ....

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in South Roscommon and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Roscommon fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Roscommon fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Roscommon fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Roscommon fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Cork fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Cork fan?"

"Because my Mum and Dad are from Cork, and my mum is a Cork fan and my dad is a Cork fan, so I'm a Cork fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Cork fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?" "Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Armagh fan."


GAA in a Global Context


Knowing that the political situation can be a little confusing, here is the quick guide to some GAA counties in more global terms.

USA = Kerry - Utterly arrogant and motivated by greed. If they suffer the slightest injustice the whole world hears about it. Leader sees himself as bit of a visionary, most see him as bit of a tyrant.

Al Qaeda = Meath - Thugs who like to take out opponents behind the play. Capable of upsetting just about anyone. Leader is a paranoid nutter.

United Kingdom = Galway - Only now moving forward having been stuck in the past for decades. Have a leader who loves the sound of his own voice, full of rhetoric whilst ducking the important issues.

France = Sligo - Perennial bridesmaids. Have a huge armoury but heavily criticised in the past for misfiring. More likely to bore you to death than to be a real threat to anyone.

Pakistan = Kildare - Trying hard to be one of the big boys, but has upset a large percentage of it's supporter base through its over involvement with foreigners. Could soon experience a revolt within its own ranks.

India = Down - A sleeping giant, not a contender at the moment but with a huge supporter base. Likes to think it's opinion is worth plenty, yet is largely ignored by non-fans. Local derbies can be a bit fiery.

The Northern Alliance = Laois - An undisciplined rabble in need of sponsorship dollars.

Israel = Dublin - Rabid supporters tucked away everywhere and usually only become vocal when they start winning. See themselves as the chosen but in reality suffer from an over inflated sense of self. Local transport can be a bit dodgy.

Palestine = Westmeath - A team currently going places, had been on the periphery for many years before the late 90s. Not regarded as a big contender but has a strong and explosive youth policy.

Japan = Roscommon - No attack, last campaign of any note 1942. Big player in the 1970s and 1980s, however struggling a bit these days.

Iraq = Limerick - Serious hardarses and strongminded who could be on the way back. Opponents refer to see them out of the Championship. Most of their neighbours hate them, they know it, and they don't care.

Russia = Cavan - Once a great superpower, recently in decay. Have chosen some real muppets as leaders.

Uzbekistan = Derry - Stuck in the middle. Has a bit of an ars*h*le as manager but light on ammunition.

Germany = Offaly - Tendency to self destruct. A strong history but off the scene of late. Unfortunate uniforms.

Australia = Leitrim - Completely harmless. Not a contender. Just in it to make up the numbers. Supporters are loyal but regularly embarrassed.

Egypt = Donegal - Had a crack at dominance and though the remnants are still there they hark back to the glory days. A bit over defensive and vulnerable up the middle.

 * Please note that no country can be associated with Armagh. The closest thing was Yemen but apparently even certain parts of war torn Aden are bordering on pleasant.

A Tourist's Guide to Ireland

Cavan - filthy, ignorant hillbillies, puritanical papists.
Hobbies: discovering IRA ammo dumps and knitting black balaclavas.

Kerry - stupid but loveable.
Hobbies: Gaelic football, scraping pig foetus off their wellies and chain-smoking.

Wicklow North sports car driving country snobs (Greystones,
Hobbies: Sticking their noses in the air and referring to themselves as

Wicklow South sheep shaggers.
Hobbies: Sitting in field with their neighbours and talking about
the"banjaxed hydraulics on the JCB", collecting the dole.

Dublin North criminals, drug dealers and factory workers, easy
women,unmarried mothers, skinheads and all-round examples of human
Hobbies: Heroin and watching serials numbers being filed off stolen
doing hand-breakers.

Dublin South west Brits, snobs, rich, easy glamorous women.
Hobbies:colonic irrigation and sleeping with their best friend's spouse.

Limerick violent, racist scum of the earth, knife-wielding
Hobbies: play rugby while stabbing each other with screwdrivers and then
complaining about their city's bad reputation.

Donegal looks down on all-others, aloof.
Hobbies: Turning their noses up at all and sundry

Cork jealous of Dubliners, highly-sexualized women.
Hobbies: Standing at the side of the Motorway and making smug faces at
cars with Dublin plates.

Tipperary beautiful pristine girls, but hard to get into bed but worth

if you can because that County does not have two different Ridings for
Hobbies: Getting a flat in Dublin and losing their accents and hoping

parents don't find out.

Meath Dublin wannabes.
Hobbies: Beating Dublin at GAA and hoping that one day somebody in
will actually notice.

Galway sophisticated boggers could be mistaken for a South Dubliner,
sexually adventurous, cultured and wealthy.
Hobbies: Teaching sex acrobatics to foreign tourists, dropping acid,

a million pounds for a three bedroom suburban house and pretending it
was a


Kildare alcoholics.
Hobbies: Walking up in barns with a bottle on one side and hatchet-faced
Biddy on the other.

Mayo Depressing, defeatist, negative, misery-laden losers, emigrate as
soon as the umbilical cord is cut.
Hobbies: Dropping a lighted cigarette on his mattress and then being

alive in a Cricklewood boarding house so he can have his remains flown

to Knock Airport for burial.

Louth IRA supporters, smugglers and bandits, beautiful girls
Hobbies: Tearing through Cooley at 125MPH trying to stop the boxes of

vodka from falling out the window.

Waterford decent honest hard-workers generally good folks.
Hobbies: Calling a strike.

Clare fiddle-playing charming simpletons and, more recently,
Hobbies: Falling into pot-holes and being never heard from ever again.

Sligo go-getters, strong sense of free enterprise, likes to make cash.
Hobbies: get rich and b*llix to everything else.

Kilkenny harmless innocent alcoholics.
Hobbies: Sending their only son to fashion college in Dublin and then
wondering why he never brings girls home and why he is always looking in
the Brown Thomas catalogue?

Carlow who cares?
Hobbies: Move to Dublin and then best forgotten about.

Offaly mad for playing sports and having fun, generally liked.
Hobbies: To win a pub.

Leitrim Enigmatic reclusive weirdos.
Hobbies: Being absorbed into surrounding counties, quietly.

Longford Gombeen men.
Hobbies: Legalizing bestiality.

Laois the real boggers and proud of it generally held in high esteem
Hobbies: Living an honest life, collecting EU development grants.

Westmeath Mysterious boggers, cryptic.
Hobbies: Trying, unsuccessfully, to get noticed.

Wexford selling their "home-grown" organic fruit (bought at
that morning) at the side of the road in summer and ripping-off gullible
Dubliners out for a drive in the country.
Hobbies: Ripping off tourists is more than enough.

(Roscommon and Monaghan are missing, but sure did anyone notice)


Fág an bealach!